Want Authenticity? Be Authentic

In this crazy rat race we live in it can all too often feel superficial and divorced from reality. You might find yourself alone and adrift when surrounded by many people clamouring to ‘connect’ with you. Where is the real connection? Where is authenticity? What and who can you trust? Start with yourself. Forget your personality and all the learned baggage and protection you have developed over your lifetime. Build and strengthen the relationship you have with yourself, and allow others to see and experience the real you. That can be a scary and highly rewarding journey. Once initiated life and expansion becomes increasingly available, rather than contraction and effort of maintaining a façade. As you become more willing and able to present yourself authentically then you’ll find you draw into your life more people who are authentic with you.

Going Live With My New Site

If you have ever wanted to experience fog, try installing a new application as part of the process. It has largely gone well, with the installation of WordPress running smoothly, settings seemingly going well, and then I imported blog posts from my previous blog site. They all show up in the list of pages. Then I go to the site to view as a visitor might…

The fog is building. All I get is error messages for every link I select. The titles of imported posts are showing, but they all produce errors when clicked. Hmm. Frustration. Anxious because of other matters to deal with imposing time constraints, and and sense of spaciousness amidst all that because no one will find this blog or its errors as I have not told anyone it exists.

Finding a way of relaxing and reducing pressure is a great way of reducing the intensity of self-imposed fog, something I remind myself of when I am wise enough to check in with the part of me that knows. Time to post this and then calmly, spaciously do some problem solving. Finding my way out of this fog will be a pleasure, and I will be a step closer to a fully functioning web site.

My new site is www.appreciatethefog.com.

Authentic Leadership

Often in society the narcissist and the aggressive are rewarded. Much has been written in management literature about the prevalence of narcissistic qualities in leadership roles. Let’s face it, from the first moment we learn to interact with others, as children, we learn there is a pecking order, that the strong succeed, and that you must fight to be on top. The corporate world is full of examples that highlight the validity that these ‘truisms’ continue into adulthood and society in general. These tendencies extend into the way in which individuals maintain their position as much as how they obtain them. Examples include:

• Surrounding themselves with sycophants who praise and applaud the leader, and who will sing all is good while the ship is sinking so as to remain onside with the leader, until there is another leader with more relevance or power
• Making demands and issuing orders without caring what the impact is on the person or group, perhaps relying on bullying tactics to get what they want when meeting opposition, and often with the underlying assumption that their opinion counts more than fact-based research
• Blaming others for things that have gone wrong, never stopping to question their own contribution to poor outcomes or a crisis situation, even changing the truth to divert attention from themselves, or worse still onto someone else
• Sitting in the large chair behind the large desk while visitors to their office are offered a small, uncomfortable chair ensuring the visitor physically must look up to the leader
• Reaping praise and applause for a job well done without considering and recognising those who actually made the achievement possible

Unfortunately examples of such behaviours abound.

What interests me is the authentic leader. I have been observing one person demonstrating authentic leadership while faced with significant challenges, and it is inspiring. Attributes of the authentic leader include:

• Retaining responsibility and accountability without blaming or sniping at others
• Managing their own emotional response throughout a crisis, and providing a calming presence for others
• Actively seeking the best possible outcome for all involved
• Remaining true to their values regardless of pressure from others, or the behaviours exhibited in their direction by others
• Maintaining their integrity, being honest and truthful, and calling on others in a nonjudgmental manner to do the same
• Modelling resilience and being a resource for themselves, maintaining their own sense of self and self-respect
• Functioning from a place of personal power, being consistently and actively assertive, present, taking appropriate action, and being authentic and requiring that of others

It is unfortunately rare, and wonderful, when such examples are manifest in leaders. I appreciate being around such individuals because it is inspiring to me, and provides me with impetus to examine how I am and check in to determine if I am performing as I would wish to be noticed.

Recognising and Releasing Patterns

Abstract: As children we learn patterns of behaviour from our caregivers. In releasing the patterns we become free to be more fully our Selves. This article offers some examples of how to free ourselves from our own patterning. 

Psychology informs us that we inherit behaviours from our parents. We may directly learn or pick up behaviours from them. We may also develop behaviours to counteract their treatment of us as children; a reason some patterns seem to skip a generation, each generation responding in opposition to the one before. These behaviours can be so well entrenched that we are oblivious to their existence, or the thought processes they support and promote, and the filtering and distortion they create with how we perceive the world. Beneath them our true, unblemished selves exist.

Twelve years ago, while on a course, I was presented with an exercise to determine which parent was the source of my behaviours. I struggled because my father had exited my life when I was seven and I had not had contact with him since. I did not know whether he was alive or dead and I didn’t care. The instructor said, “If the pattern is not from your mother, it’s from your father.” That was the start of getting to know my father.

Certain milestone events forced me to confront my father. In leaving my first marriage I was caught by the fact that my eldest child was the age I had been, also as the eldest child, when my father left. Was I leaving to repeat a family pattern or because it was the right thing for me to do? I eventually recognised it was the right thing for me. However I also learned of some qualities I possessed in common with my father; autonomy and spontaneity in particular, that were suppressed in my marriage and were part of my drive to leave. Subsequently, I’ve done a lot of work around my patterns of behaviour, particularly those that serve to protect me, which also act as a shield and barrier to expressing my true Self. Some of these include people-pleasing, pessimism, and copious quantities of shame and inadequacy. Over time the effects of these have lessened as I have addressed underlying beliefs, values and perceptions.

A couple of years ago, after 40 years absence, my father rematerialised, sending me an email wishing to reconnect. Aside from the initial waves of shock, anger, disappointment, hurt and anxiety, the process of connecting with him via email brought up years of patterned protection against being hurt. Then a gorgeous woman entered my life, a beautiful and precious soul to whom I thoroughly opened and exposed my heart. I had never felt so alive, so free, dropping many of my protections developed from years of survival. Then she surprised me by exiting my life as dramatically as she had chosen to join it. The effect was profound. I felt abandoned. I connected with hurt, rage and anger that had been buried since my father had left. I had and took opportunities to express, in safe settings, the pent up emotion that had been stored and suppressed since I was a child. She provided a fabulous opportunity to uncover and connect with buried emotions, and in the process of releasing these I also gained some incredible insight into patterns underpinning the lockdown.

A significant pattern I unearthed was how everything I have done in life has been based on surviving rather than thriving. Interestingly, a significant portion of my book still waiting for me to move to publishing is about shifting from Survive Reactions to Thrive Responses, and now I understand some of my reticence in getting published. I still had a key to turn before I could authentically speak from that place of Thrive. Now I recognise how I have rejected opportunities that did not fit with my concept of surviving, pushed people away, and ring-fenced myself as a protection. While I have done extensive work on the individual protections and behaviours, the whole paradigm of survival was so pervasive I could not see it, like I imagine a fish cannot see water.

My father eventually arrived on a plane from England to meet. Healing took place. Of most profound significance to me was the clarity with which I have seen in him the patterns of behaviour I have been working to dismantle in myself for so many years. His return stirred up all my old patterning, and I was able to, as far as conscious awareness allowed, release rather than to re-enact them.

While few people can be blessed with a year like that one I experienced, there are things that can be done to identify and release patterns that we have:

• Observe your own results. What are you doing that gets in the way of success or that distorts or narrows your concept of success?
• Seek feedback from people who know you about behaviours that get in your way. This could be family, friends, and colleagues. Where consistency shows up in feedback from multiple people and/or across multiple settings, there is a good chance there is a real behaviour for you to work with.
• Counselling, coaching or other forms of guided journey into self.
• Journaling, drawing, dance or other unguided expressions of self.
• Defining and affirming new concepts of self that contradict old patterns. Work with the resistance that arises and move into a new way of being.

What gets in the way of your success, whether that be in professional, personal, relationship or other arenas? What patterns do you trip over when pursuing things that matter to you? Often our protective patterns show most influence and presence when we undertake something of significance to us, interrupting us to stop us being ‘hurt’ by failure or rejection or some other feared painful outcome. Moving positively into areas that matter can be supported by developing awareness of the patterns and addressing the underlying beliefs that drive our behaviours. 

Working with Self is a life-long experiential journey. It is rewarding and exciting. It is worth engaging with. I hope my journey inspires others to engage more fully with theirs, and I look forward to publishing my book, Appreciate the Fog: Embracing Change with Power and Purpose, for publication.

Leader-Led Change

Planned organisational change may be driven by many factors. Examples include seeking efficiencies and greater productivity, addressing dysfunction and conflict, revamping inadequate processes and systems, merging with a business partner, or setting your mark on the organisation as a previous manager has departed.

Daniel Goleman, Richard Boyatzis, and Annie McKee in their Harvard Business Review Primal Leadership article in December 2001 wrote: “A growing body of research on the human brain proves that, for better or worse, leaders’ moods affect the emotions of the people around them.” However, leaders not only set the mood and have a direct impact on the emotional worlds of their people, as the article describes, but also set the culture and behavioural tone and norms of the organisation. So, when considering change, what do you need to change about yourself and how you function for your organisation to perform better?

Deming, the quality guru, suggested that 85% of the responsibility for quality rested with management, to provide the appropriate tools, training, processes and other enablers, and after all that was provided, 15% of the responsibility rested with the workers. I believe that also applies to the mood, attitudes, behaviours and norms of the organisation as a whole.

Enormous energy is exerted in organisational restructures. Poor performance is identified and rooted out. Ineffective systems replaced. Reporting structures are adjusted. However, for all the effort a significant and often poorly addressed issue is the cultural and behavioural conserve held among the management team. While the organisation is being driven through significant and often unnecessarily painful change processes, the attitudes, behaviours, and cultural norms within the management team remain unchanged, unrecognised as contributing to the overall organisation’s performance. The decision makers are able to say “the problem is out there” and rarely take a critical look at their own contributions.

Consider:

What do you do to set the tone and culture within your organisation?

Are your words and actions aligned?

Do you demand and expect respect without extending the same to those who report to you?

Do you demonstrate the loyalty you expect of your team? Or do you excuse your choices and actions that perhaps sideline and disenfranchise individuals, while calling for everyone to engage fully and authentically, and wonder why there is a disturbance within the rank and file? Do you permit others’ to spread rumour and conjecture, or undermine the work of those in your team?

Do you provide a high performance environment? Do you cleanly delegate work, providing clear boundaries on how the work should be performed and what the measure of success are, and allow the team member to grow and develop in the role? Or are you a control freak, driven by fear, who micromanages and strangles growth potential? Do you honour the established boundaries around agreed packages of work or do you allow scope creep to erode the authority of those under you? Do you then also hold them responsible for failure to perform?

Are you professional in your behaviours and relationships? Do you excuse angry outbursts, unreasonable demands and other corrosive behaviours because you’re busy and under stress? Do you meet the commitments you make? Do you hold yourself to the same standards you expect of others? Do you walk your talk?

Is your decision-making clear, calm, fact-based and rational? Do you expect this of your team, but when faced with a decision you rely on management imperative to make a rushed “gut” decision, rationalising it is from your years of experience, flying in the face of all you claim you want practiced within your organisation? Worse, do you then change your decision when next posed with a new opinion (perhaps without informing those impacted)?

Do you provide clear direction and leadership? Have you noticed the puzzled expression, or disdain, across your team as you issue instructions? Do you lack clarity, such that you are not able to understandably express what you want? Or have you changed direction yet again? Do you respond openly to questions seeking clarification or do you expect subordinates to read your mind (perhaps even when you can’t)?

It has been my observation from a couple of decades of consulting that these and other such issues are frightfully common. Why? Because leaders are human and no one is perfect. The problem is when a leader chooses to avoid checking on their way of being. In my opinion it would be ideal for the leadership of an organisation to honestly assess their behavioural and attitudinal contribution to the performance and mood of an organisation as part of any change process. Obtaining valuable, truthful feedback takes more than demanding it. Few leaders are blessed to be surrounded by people willing to say, “You are not wearing any clothes”, so obtaining such insight requires time, a sense of safety among those asked for input, and trust that negative feedback will not jeopardise the position of the person offering the feedback.

As a leader, are you leading from the front, enabling others to follow? Have you assessed your own short-comings in relation to the direction and practices required within the organisation and established a roadmap for your own development? Or are you metaphorically barking instructions through a megaphone on what the team should do, and excusing yourself because you’re a coach, not a player.

If you want to create positive change, be part of the change process, not separate from it. Ensure that your capacity as a leader and manager is maturing and developing, and that you have made some conscious, positive changes to your style, that you’re not as you were ten years ago. If you are not emulating the behaviours you expect your team to portray, get real with yourself and stop excusing your own poor performance.

Options available to you include coaching and mentoring, personal and professional development, primarily targeted at the long-overused patterns of behaviour and attitudes that hold you and your team back from truly excelling.