Dealing with the Shakes of Life

Have you ever felt fragile, as if your internal world is unstable and likely to crack and fall? Have you experienced the growing dust cloud that arises at such times as bits of your world crack and fall from the structures you have constructed that provide you with a sense of safety, your clarity lost amid a sense of anxiety, sadness, hurt, fury, agitation or a host of other emotions?

Earthquakes are highly topical with the two recent Christchurch earthquakes followed by the enormous Japanese quake and tsunami. A similar process, even if the mechanics are different, occurs within us. When the way we perceive the world collides with our experience, we have the internal equivalent of an earthquake. The impact may be imperceptible. Or it may be a gentle rocking that leaves us shaken, checking for cracks and areas that need strengthening. Sometimes, less frequently, we can feel totally ripped apart, as if all we held dear, rely on, consider secure, is ripped from us, and little remains that we have trusted or relied on for safety and stability. At those moments we start on major reconstruction projects of our inner world. These major shocks may arise from our health failing; from the loss of loved ones, whether through relationship breakdowns, illness or death; from the loss of our jobs; or threat to things on which we base our identity. The triggers for big shakes are different for everyone, but life does seem to serve up these big ones from time to time.

I remember a conversation with a dear friend where she shared something that totally rocked my world. I was confronted with a new view of her that left me feeling very afraid and unsure of myself, and plunged me into several weeks of major trauma that had me nearly end the friendship. It was an amazingly strong confrontation of some beliefs, perceptions and expectations I held which were potently called into question. Major reconstruction was necessary within my world. In reality I heard and misinterpreted what she said, but that misunderstanding led to an enormous upheaval within me.

I now look at that experience with years of hindsight, and smile, knowing there was nothing untoward in what my friend shared. However it did not fit with the structures, rules and protections I held. At the time I felt devastated; I had crashed into a massive wall. That experience led to me making major changes in my life. I reviewed my belief system and values, and shifted from lifeless and buried by my own protections to a more free, open, authentic and present way of being. The process involved tremendous anxiety and much pain as the change process shifted me into a brand new way of being, requiring me to step into previously unknown states with less internal structure and support. There were many aftershocks and some other significant new quakes. The process still continues. While I don’t usually enjoy the shocks when they occur, I do appreciate the role of such moments within my life for my ongoing development as a more authentic person. I also notice when I feel fragile and vulnerable. Such moments signal a shake has occurred, or is starting, even if I don’t know what has triggered it, and things are being opened up for more internal change. I now endeavour to be more fully with myself in such moments, be with whatever sense of chaos arises, and drop any resistance that I may hold. That enables a stepping into and embracing of the new.