Intimacy (Pronounced “In To Me See”)

Most of us seek closeness with others, desiring to have some one or more special people who we comfortable with, who we allow to see more of us than we permit most to see. To be trusted and permitted into another person’s inner world is a gift of great worth. When with someone we trust, who we open up to and allow them to see our inner world, we have a chance to experience acceptance and being seen for who we are, which can do much in encouraging us to be ourselves more fully in this world.

Our individual ability to choose and allow others to see us is dependent on a great many factors. Examples include the degree to which past intimate experiences were the source of hurt or joy, the degree of safety we feel, how accepting we are of ourselves, and the trust we hold for the other person. I don’t believe there are any surprises there. The surprise is that any two people actually manage to come together, reveal themselves to the other, and do so in such a manner that the initial thin thread of interest grows and develops into a robust connection. There is so much that can get in the way of such a bond forming, remaining intact, and strengthening.

In many respects I have been on a quest to consciously develop greater intimacy in relationships for more than a decade. In the late 1990s I developed a dream statement that spoke my soul’s desire, and which I have subsequently sought to realise in whatever ways I can:

My dream is a loving and accepting world where everyone is comfortable sharing their innermost thoughts and feelings openly.

I would love to be in a world where my dream was fully realised. The dream has made me more alert to those factors within myself and others that interfere with realising the dream. Interestingly, only a brief time before developing my dream, a matter of a year or two, I had been practically shut down to anyone and everyone, a social isolate, with little idea of how to create meaningful relationships.

I was blessed with a special friend, Catherine, who at that stage defied any concept I had of myself and relationships by remaining a solid friend regardless of what I did to dissuade her. I was torn between wanting her as my friend, and not wanting her to see me in all my ugliness. Previous blog entries have discussed shame. Shame ruled me back then, and I could not understand why anyone would associate with me. But she did. She persisted through some very rough periods. I learned I could trust her. Then I discovered the importance of loving and accepting myself, and began to open up. Then things got REALLY ROUGH. My protections against being hurt were strong, but as I started to open they worked overtime to counter the changes that would lead to new situations and uncertainty in relationships. Not having close relationships was much safer because, as painful as my existence was not having relationships limited my exposure to more pain, supposedly. My experiences in growing up could be summarised as learning that those I love and trust, except my mother, hurt and abandon me. Trusting others was not safe, but without trust I could not have close or meaningful relationships.

I now have a great many intimate friendships. I now have a great appreciation for the dance of coming together in a trusting relationship with someone else. Some attraction exists between each person that provides motivation to draw closer and explore. Preliminary good experiences are typically required for the dance to continue otherwise one or other chooses to exit the dance. Inevitably there comes challenge to the relationship, perhaps a point of difference or misunderstanding that triggers one or both into fear, shame, anger, hurt or other strong emotion. It is the manner in which those moments are worked through that defines the resilience and quality of the relationship. A recent experience in my own life saw me seriously triggered by a person I was forming a relationship with. I experienced significant shame, still a place of great learning for me. I knew she did not want to shame me, that it was all my stuff, but the reaction I experienced was significant. I took some time out to address the underlying issues before re-engaging. Now my experience of that relationship is vastly different with significantly more trust between us because while the shame stuff was mine, “we” have worked together to come through it together, strongly and cleanly.

There is nothing quite like a relationship for creating fog in our lives, and it is at those moments we really need to appreciate the fog, get better acquainted with ourselves rather than reacting to what may feel like an overwhelming and frightening situation, and allow clarity to emerge. This is true whether the relationship is with a friend, a lover, a work colleague, or any other situation where two or more people choose to engage with each other.

Shame on Me

I have spent the past decade clear that I don’t need to carry the shame I collected as I grew up. I have worked hard to clear it, to not listen to the incessant criticism from within myself, and to move through life with a sense of my worthiness and wholeness. I certainly do better than I use to. Recently, however, I realised at a new level that this was not working. For all the work I have done there is a strong part of me that really does care that I don’t measure up. This ‘caring’ part of me continues to hear criticism from others, or reads upset and anger as criticism, then takes it on board, magnifies it into condemnation, and cripples me with the sense that I am not good enough, am unacceptable, and that it is my fault that other people are unhappy with me. Words like “pathetic”, “repulsive”, “worthless” are strongly part of the vocabulary. The logical and more adult part of me knows this is false, but recognising that there really is something within me that does care and does still carry immense shame has been a freeing process; painful but freeing.

I have spent some time getting to know this shame-carrying part. It is young. It feeds off the emotion of situations that played out when I was a child, and it does not respond to the adult wisdom. It hurts. It is a child that needs tenderness. Now as I see it more fully, recognise its struggle, my struggle in that child part of me, I am discovering a great companionship with myself, and freeing of myself from shame-filled tendencies. Gone? Not at all. But lighter, and diminishing, definitely.

Simultaneously I am very familiar with the role in me I refer to as my Hanging Judge, that sounds in a strong, unrelenting, dispassionate, deeply critical and unforgiving voice. He is a voice patterned from my experiences in growing up, and he dumps buckets of effluent over anything I am doing that does not fit his concept of right.

The beauty of this process is I have also recognised the vital and expanding, life-filled and engaging part of me that carries no shame, my Vital and Courageous Pathfinder. I realise that at key moments throughout my life this aspect has asserted itself and taken me on a course divergent to the Judges strict directives. Sometimes from a place of rebellion, and other times in a quiet and gently assertive manner, steering me into new territory, and a new way of being.

These all contribute to my way of relating to others. At present I am more comfortable charting my own course, less interested in being subservient to the will of others (and they were not necessarily seeking that), and feel greater comfort and ease in my own skin, regardless of the direct or indirect feedback from others. Suddenly I have increased clarity. Where I was shrouded in a clinging dampness that suffocated the life out of me, I now feel lighter, and am more willing to step out, try new things, and engage with life. I have begun a direct dialogue with my “voice of shame” [the Judge], and I am promoting my Pathfinder so it has a stronger presence and role within me. This is freeing me to make easier choices and assert within myself what is right for me, rather than kowtow to the voice from my childhood indoctrination. I like where this is taking me, and while there is plenty to work with that is unsettling, the path feels rich and potent. I am more my own person. The fog is clearing a little more.

Powerfully Vulnerable

I often remember a conversation I had with a student as I walked through the Emperor’s Summer Palace in Beijing bank in 1998. She asked me what I meant about being vulnerable. It is to stand without protection, to be open to what is, enabling us to engage in the moment from a place of personal power. By removing all the patterns, behaviours, attitudes and beliefs that we have developed in response to past pain we are able to truly respond from our own power. Pain we experience comes from:

• dashed expectations (the future not unfolded as we anticipated and desired);
• broken attachments (connects to our past which have become severed and no longer serve to satisfy our needs, whether through loss of loved ones, changes to job and other circumstances, or a myriad of other things we hold on to); and
• breached protections (all our patterns and behaviours that we surround ourselves with to remain safe, but that in an instant may prove futile, leaving us hurting).

An oak tree is strong and spends many years developing, but when a powerful wind comes it can break, its protection insufficient to withstand the onslaught. A blade of grass has little protection, is blown over, even gets cut down, but it bounces back. That was my metaphor for vulnerability.

I am again in the process of learning to be powerfully vulnerable. I have generally struggled to speak my truth when I fear it may hurt someone else, cause them to feel upset or some other perceived negative outcome may exist. I have identified a number of behaviours and patterns that have served to protect me in the past that now impede my capacity to present myself authentically. I am not suggesting I blurt out what I have to say in raw, ill-considered form, but I do believe I need to be better able to clearly express myself without holding back, though the delivery is delivered from a place of love. I recognise I have patterns and beliefs that prevent such clear self-expression:

• my needs are subservient to those of others
• expressing myself is to make a fuss, to seek attention, and these are to be avoided
• my safety is dependent on not upsetting those around me
• others do not really want to hear what I have to say
• I do not matter, am unworthy, and unacceptable, particularly if I express myself

I do understand where these beliefs developed, what purpose and benefit they have served me, and that they no longer serve me productively. It is now time to strip these away and allow myself to be seen, though the process necessarily requires me to engage with the world from a place of vulnerability. At least in doing so I am less cluttered, and those who see me for who I am have less rubbish from me between us. I will be better able to connect with myself and be present powerfully in the world. Sounds good, and scary.

Significance of Feeling and Needs

This past week has been a rollercoaster ride. My project completed. Substantially complete and is now in the turmoil of potential change that renders roughly 50% of the effort redundant. I have found it difficult to remain motivated. I have fulfilled my role of leading the team through yet another assault on their work product and the achievements genuinely delivered and it has been difficult to maintain form, structure and leadership in these circumstances. I have felt unmotivated and have low energy myself, but I press on being staunch.

I came out of yesterday feeling highly anxious, physical pain having been felt across my gut, just below the diaphragm for a number of days. I connected with feeling tired, fear that I would not enjoy peace, nor my needs of space, ease, rest, nurturing connection, and tenderness. I realised I was in a familiar mode of offering others love and support, helping them work with the tension, but was not offering any love and support to myself. I recognise that in planning to go away for the weekend with my loved one, I feel afraid of my peace and ease being lost in favour of some issues being tabled that suck me dry of energy. With clarity that my needs are for ease, peace, and to know I matter, I can assert myself and what I need from the holiday, place myself first in my life, and really open to the possibility that my needs can be met, and others can and may choose to support me in doing so. Even if they did not, I can still take time and space for myself and ensure I satisfy those needs myself.

So often our lives are full of confusion, tension and chaos arising from ignoring what we feel and divorcing ourselves from our needs, filling up our lives with unmet needs, and the associated fog of confusion and loss of identity, As we allow ourselves to connect to the needs we have within, we are getting more intimate with ourselves, and the call of fog to our souls and its offer that we get more intimate with ourselves is getting positively answered.

The Psychotic Within

The past week has been a fascinating experience of seeing and engaging with the man within me with murderous intent against me. I am training in Psychodrama, a therapeutic method for working with groups and manifesting the truth within on a stage, using the group as actors/auxiliaries in the drama. There is a woman in the group who, last year, was my lover, and who suddenly decided to depart, and I felt hurt, anger, rage, sad and alone. I found plenty of healing within was required to move through the debris of the situation. This past weekend as I was in training, I found myself observing her. She was alive, comfortable, free, clearly blossoming and shining as a person, solid and beautiful in her presence. The more I saw and admired her, the more I connected with and understood the love I felt, and do feel for her. That was a beautiful and freeing experience.
However, I also experienced another voice within, that started up quietly and grew through the weekend. The gist of the voice was “She is so beautiful and gorgeous, no wonder she left because you are dirty and filthy and there is no way someone as beautiful as she is would choose to have you in their life.” To call the voice vicious is an understatement. I would have preferred to have had a chance to do a drama and bring out that part of me and work with it. Instead, the opportunity was not available to me. I experienced much distress as, at one point I became overwhelmed by my own vicious attacks, and felt shattered and defenceless.
I subsequently had a dream. I was on a very dark uphill path from a set of cabins and heading to my sleeping quarters. I met a man. In the darkness he attacked me. He punched me, kicked me, and mercilessly and relentlessly laid into me. Murder was his intent. I escaped somehow, finally reaching my cabin. I found my mattress rolled up, and as I was standing on steps to the upper bunk bed, the man opened my cabin door. Futilely I attempted to slam it shut, but he got inside, and I awoke, knowing he was going to kill me. I knew the man in the dream with such vicious intent was me, and I knew he was out in strength, long time buried, because of the experience with my ex-lover, and other events of the past week.
I recognise that he developed in me when, as a child my father left the family when I was seven, and I tried answering my own question: why did he leave me? My answer was: because I am not good enough for him. Over the years that voice was strengthened to my psychotic killer of self as I did things I judged as evil and wrong. Sexual desires as a developing young man were among the myriad of feelings and expressions that I judged as bad, indicative of my evil, and piece by piece my vicious self-destructive self was developed. I am thrilled now that I am able to work with this part of me, a part that over the years has taken many forms and intensities, and that now I am prepared to engage with and resolve. This is an example of my inner world that creates fog for me to work with, and maybe now I can change its intent as I find a new way of being within, train and develop a kinder, gentler person as those who know me see in the external world. What a fabulous opportunity to heal myself, and resolve some inappropriate aspects developed by myself as a growing child and teenager who wanted to understand some things that did not have good answers, but as a child had to be “my fault”. We can create so much pain for ourselves simply by attempting to interpret a world we are not equipped to comprehend as a child, or even as an adult.

Change of Metaphors

I recently had the good fortune of being on a Co-Counselling training programme where I explored the internal pressure I experience between multiple options. I awoke from a dream that I found very unsettling. I was in a skyscrapper, bottom floor, that was on fire, and I fled outside only to miss being hit by a falling person who dies right in front of me as he smashed into the pavement. I ran back through the building and realised the other side had even more people falling, dressed in the fineries, and that if I went that way I would surely die. The choice was stay in the building and burn and be crushed to death, or try leave and be killed by plummeting bodies.
I was able to work with this dream in a group session, having five people on each arm pulling my arms in different directions. As a large man I did not feel overly troubled by the pressure, and was then open to and surprised with how much forward and backward movement was available. While being stretched in two directions, the attempt being to rip me apart, I started to see myself as soaring like a eagle, riding thermals, and quite capable of moving through life, without having to respond directly to pressure. I found a new sense of freedom, a way to work with the fog arising from pressure, and being more potent in the moment.
I have seen this tearing process occur in my current relationship, where my interests and desires and availability for the relationship do not match my partners, and tension and pressure build up, pushing me for a decision. A decision in such moments will tend towards breaking up, dissatisfaction being a major driver. In allowing myself to soar, to be less caught in the tension, I have found a greater depth of experience with H, and a greater peace within. I don’t have to know what will happen between us RIGHT NOW! And I can let it unfold in its own good time, or until I recognise clearly where I want to be from some other process.
I spend so much time being torn when I could in fact use the pressure to support my soaring and flight and develop a whole new way of Being, thriving instead of surviving.

Fear-Based Reactions vs. Power-Based Responses

It is well established that Fight or Flight are fundamental survival modes, driven from the Amygdala, the reptilian brain as part of the brain stem. Freeze is well represented in nature, the freezing of the rabbit or the deer in headlights, confused over what to do, or hoping stillness will result in the threat passing. It can also be the denial that anything is happening. Finally, the fourth reaction is Fabricate, the use of masks or camouflage to attempt to throw off the threat. This is a higher order reaction to fear, represented by the chameleon, and by so many disingenuous people on this planet.
Fight, Flight, Freeze and Fabricate are all fear-based, and reactions because they are initiated when confronted with some form of threat. The threat may be physical danger, emotion upset, mental confusion or a host of other possibilities. They can be essential to survival (dodging a speeding car!) but overused they can set a negative basis for life that is focused on dealing with fears and only short-term outcomes.
When working from personal power, experiencing life and consciously engaging from a place of innate power, has a very different outcome. For each of the fear-based reactions there is a power-based response that takes a longer-term, strategic view of a situation. The responses are Assert (Fight), Attend (Flight), Freeze (Act), and Authenticate (Fabricate). While survival reactions are essential, conscious development and application of the power-based responses has greater capacity to create a meaningful life, focused on thriving rather than surviving.

Introduction

The first 35 years of my life were spent living in a self-constructed box, established to keep me safe, restrict my experience of life, ensure my emotional world was as smooth as possible. It did not work, but it was “existing” in the best way I knew. Since that time I have been on a journey of exploration and discovery, opening up to my inner world, living more fully in the outer world, and connecting with my authentic self with greater ease. Each defence mechanism I have removed has exposed me to more life, but the deconstruction process also creates rubble, stirs up dust, and may leave me stumbling for a while as I learn a new way of Being.
The confusion and chaos is what I refer to as fog. It is a necessary aspect of personal growth and development. It is to be embraced and engaged with, and appreciated for the learning it offers. Fog is a call to get more intimate with oneself. Attempting to push on, move forward fast when shrouded in fog is likely to end with injury or losing yourself. Fog invites you to slow down, be still, take stock of your surroundings. More specifically it is an invitation to explore within, connect with and love Self, and establish a solid foundation to move from once the fog has cleared.
My intention with this blog is to expand on the idea of appreciating the fog by sharing my insights as I get them, drawing on past or emerging experience to solidify my concepts. I am also exploring the interrelationship of sharing my ideas and working with what that creates in others and returns to me. I am on a journey and this blog is part of it.
Join me if you choose...