Most of us seek closeness with others, desiring to have some one or more special people who we comfortable with, who we allow to see more of us than we permit most to see. To be trusted and permitted into another person’s inner world is a gift of great worth. When with someone we trust, who we open up to and allow them to see our inner world, we have a chance to experience acceptance and being seen for who we are, which can do much in encouraging us to be ourselves more fully in this world.
Our individual ability to choose and allow others to see us is dependent on a great many factors. Examples include the degree to which past intimate experiences were the source of hurt or joy, the degree of safety we feel, how accepting we are of ourselves, and the trust we hold for the other person. I don’t believe there are any surprises there. The surprise is that any two people actually manage to come together, reveal themselves to the other, and do so in such a manner that the initial thin thread of interest grows and develops into a robust connection. There is so much that can get in the way of such a bond forming, remaining intact, and strengthening.
In many respects I have been on a quest to consciously develop greater intimacy in relationships for more than a decade. In the late 1990s I developed a dream statement that spoke my soul’s desire, and which I have subsequently sought to realise in whatever ways I can:
My dream is a loving and accepting world where everyone is comfortable sharing their innermost thoughts and feelings openly.
I would love to be in a world where my dream was fully realised. The dream has made me more alert to those factors within myself and others that interfere with realising the dream. Interestingly, only a brief time before developing my dream, a matter of a year or two, I had been practically shut down to anyone and everyone, a social isolate, with little idea of how to create meaningful relationships.
I was blessed with a special friend, Catherine, who at that stage defied any concept I had of myself and relationships by remaining a solid friend regardless of what I did to dissuade her. I was torn between wanting her as my friend, and not wanting her to see me in all my ugliness. Previous blog entries have discussed shame. Shame ruled me back then, and I could not understand why anyone would associate with me. But she did. She persisted through some very rough periods. I learned I could trust her. Then I discovered the importance of loving and accepting myself, and began to open up. Then things got REALLY ROUGH. My protections against being hurt were strong, but as I started to open they worked overtime to counter the changes that would lead to new situations and uncertainty in relationships. Not having close relationships was much safer because, as painful as my existence was not having relationships limited my exposure to more pain, supposedly. My experiences in growing up could be summarised as learning that those I love and trust, except my mother, hurt and abandon me. Trusting others was not safe, but without trust I could not have close or meaningful relationships.
I now have a great many intimate friendships. I now have a great appreciation for the dance of coming together in a trusting relationship with someone else. Some attraction exists between each person that provides motivation to draw closer and explore. Preliminary good experiences are typically required for the dance to continue otherwise one or other chooses to exit the dance. Inevitably there comes challenge to the relationship, perhaps a point of difference or misunderstanding that triggers one or both into fear, shame, anger, hurt or other strong emotion. It is the manner in which those moments are worked through that defines the resilience and quality of the relationship. A recent experience in my own life saw me seriously triggered by a person I was forming a relationship with. I experienced significant shame, still a place of great learning for me. I knew she did not want to shame me, that it was all my stuff, but the reaction I experienced was significant. I took some time out to address the underlying issues before re-engaging. Now my experience of that relationship is vastly different with significantly more trust between us because while the shame stuff was mine, “we” have worked together to come through it together, strongly and cleanly.
There is nothing quite like a relationship for creating fog in our lives, and it is at those moments we really need to appreciate the fog, get better acquainted with ourselves rather than reacting to what may feel like an overwhelming and frightening situation, and allow clarity to emerge. This is true whether the relationship is with a friend, a lover, a work colleague, or any other situation where two or more people choose to engage with each other.
