The Relationship Dance

With each new relationship formed, whether personal or professional, you must learn a new dance. Professional relationships do function within a more restricted space and are focused on specific purposes (usually) so the steps required to form and maintain them are somewhat more routine than personal relationships, but in all cases there are some specifics that need be addressed for a successful relationship to develop.

Ensure the purpose and vision of the relationship is aligned. When there is a lack of alignment one or both of the parties may experience disappointment, frustration, and resentment. They recognise there is a mismatch between where they are placing their energy and focus and that of the other party. Without resolving this, sooner rather than later, a lot of energy can be expended and the relationship may be unnecessarily damaged.

In a business environment, a customer may be clear about the project they are pursuing, and seek the involvement of a supplier. If the supplier either does not fully understand the project, fails to appreciate the significance of the effort required, or leaves unexplored any number of other matters then a mismatch is likely to arise that leaves one or both wondering about the motivation and intent of the other.

When two people come together in a personal relationship, understanding the purpose and intent of each other is useful, but this may also be under continuous change. Picture two people, one interested in romance, the other in friendship. Their approach to the relationship is likely to be quite different. If that difference is not dealt with all sorts of misunderstandings are likely to arise, and those may lead to what many would call a natural breakdown in the connection. This is true with any mismatch, even when both parties want the relationship to work.

Establish mutual trust. Trust is something we offer others, and is based on our assessment of the intent and behaviour of the other. It usually takes a relatively long time to develop, and can be lost in an instant through a single action. Generally trust is offered a little at a time. Each increment offered allows greater closeness/intimacy with the other party, involves self-disclosure, and leaves us more exposed and vulnerable in the process.

Remove barriers to connection. Vulnerability naturally leads to fears arising, based on our experience, that act as barriers to a thriving relationship, and they may even place us into flight mode, with us fleeing what is a perfectly good situation. Our fears often arise from what we have encountered in past relationships, and may have little to do with the current one. Working through and resolving those issues can free us to be fully present to what is available and on offer to us in the current relationship. That is one major reason relationships are often considered as healing, because as we stay present to the current relationship, own the issues that arise for us, and resolve them, we are healing in situ.

The problem is you may have experienced in the past situations where you have opened up, and the other party, whether in a business or personal setting, has manipulated or taken advantage of you. As you seek to work through your issues, you often have to learn to trust yourself again, as much as you learn to trust the other. Working through your issues with the other party, being clear about concerns you face, and their source, can aid the development of the current relationship, and deepen the connection.

Also, it is worth observing and noting any behaviours you exhibit that cut the budding connection. For example, I have noticed with myself that with new connections, if I strike fear I tend to break eye contact abruptly and the connection is severed or strongly impaired. The fear arises from within me, may be barely visible to me, but the reaction happens, and that relationship is marred. With some consciousness of that mechanism I am now better able to monitor myself and stay present to what exists between me and the other person. I have found this to be of particular significance in working with groups in a facilitation role which is all about relationships formed and strengthened in the moment.

Authentically Offer More Of Yourself. The more you offer of yourself the more the other party is likely to reciprocate. This is not suggesting you become a doormat to be walked on. Use your intuition and be aware of what is happening between the two of you. In a relationship there are three entities: the two parties and the conduit between through which value is exchanged. Offer more of yourself, and you’ll soon know the quality and nature of what the other party is offering. The exchange will blossom in a beautiful fashion when both parties are truly present, available and engaged with each other in an open and authentic manner.

The dance of relationship involves so much more that evolves over time, but miss any of these steps, and getting started in a meaningful manner is nigh on impossible.

Dealing with the Shakes of Life

Have you ever felt fragile, as if your internal world is unstable and likely to crack and fall? Have you experienced the growing dust cloud that arises at such times as bits of your world crack and fall from the structures you have constructed that provide you with a sense of safety, your clarity lost amid a sense of anxiety, sadness, hurt, fury, agitation or a host of other emotions?

Earthquakes are highly topical with the two recent Christchurch earthquakes followed by the enormous Japanese quake and tsunami. A similar process, even if the mechanics are different, occurs within us. When the way we perceive the world collides with our experience, we have the internal equivalent of an earthquake. The impact may be imperceptible. Or it may be a gentle rocking that leaves us shaken, checking for cracks and areas that need strengthening. Sometimes, less frequently, we can feel totally ripped apart, as if all we held dear, rely on, consider secure, is ripped from us, and little remains that we have trusted or relied on for safety and stability. At those moments we start on major reconstruction projects of our inner world. These major shocks may arise from our health failing; from the loss of loved ones, whether through relationship breakdowns, illness or death; from the loss of our jobs; or threat to things on which we base our identity. The triggers for big shakes are different for everyone, but life does seem to serve up these big ones from time to time.

I remember a conversation with a dear friend where she shared something that totally rocked my world. I was confronted with a new view of her that left me feeling very afraid and unsure of myself, and plunged me into several weeks of major trauma that had me nearly end the friendship. It was an amazingly strong confrontation of some beliefs, perceptions and expectations I held which were potently called into question. Major reconstruction was necessary within my world. In reality I heard and misinterpreted what she said, but that misunderstanding led to an enormous upheaval within me.

I now look at that experience with years of hindsight, and smile, knowing there was nothing untoward in what my friend shared. However it did not fit with the structures, rules and protections I held. At the time I felt devastated; I had crashed into a massive wall. That experience led to me making major changes in my life. I reviewed my belief system and values, and shifted from lifeless and buried by my own protections to a more free, open, authentic and present way of being. The process involved tremendous anxiety and much pain as the change process shifted me into a brand new way of being, requiring me to step into previously unknown states with less internal structure and support. There were many aftershocks and some other significant new quakes. The process still continues. While I don’t usually enjoy the shocks when they occur, I do appreciate the role of such moments within my life for my ongoing development as a more authentic person. I also notice when I feel fragile and vulnerable. Such moments signal a shake has occurred, or is starting, even if I don’t know what has triggered it, and things are being opened up for more internal change. I now endeavour to be more fully with myself in such moments, be with whatever sense of chaos arises, and drop any resistance that I may hold. That enables a stepping into and embracing of the new.

Authentic Relationship

I find myself mulling over Authenticate, one of the elements of personal power, meaning that in relationship with another we ensure that we are authentic in how we present ourselves, and that we overtly expect authenticity of others. In other words, I will do my best to be authentic, and I will call you on those moments when you are not being authentic with me. Easier said than done! I often hit my own protective patterns of seeking to please others, hiding myself so I do not anger, annoy or otherwise cause a negative outcome with another person, and a host of other disingenuous protective behaviours. While I would prefer and do aspire to be authentic in every moment, I don’t manage it. I recognise the same inability to be authentic exists for others too.

One positive outcome of authenticity is the eradication of power struggles and game playing. With authenticity every word, thought or action is as we mean it, and fully aligned with our being. There are no idle threats or inflammatory statements to hurt and push others away. In a truly authentic exchange honesty about how we feel, what we think, and the outcome we want is a given. This is especially important in a moment of conflict.
I find myself sitting with a statement made recently to me by someone I care about, that they did not believe the future held much likelihood of us being friends; our relationship was thus ended. I could spend my time thrashing around, wondering if this was meant as stated, or if it was made from a place of hurt. I could stew about it and wonder what to do. I could stew about what led to this point and question and second guess everything that happened, and what could be done to resolve the situation. Or I could accept it as being an authentic statement and take it at face value, that the relationship has concluded.

One thing about authenticity is that if I fail to be authentic, it becomes my responsibility to deal with any damage my actions create.

Of course, a counter to this philosophy is to recognise that compassion may suggest a softer approach. Forgiving the other person even if they have not asked for forgiveness serves to free us of the pain we experienced from the others’ actions and may enable a bridge to be built for healing to occur. Ultimately each of us do have to take responsibility for our actions, but we may require some loving support to get there. In an Authentic Relationship there is commitment to be with the other person through such moments.

Few of us are willing or even able to take responsibility in those moments where we lash out from a place of hurt. We are reacting from fear and pain, not able at that time to be in our power. In such moments we erect protections to keep us safe. Owning what we said or did requires us to counter our protective instincts and dismantle our protections, become vulnerable. Pain and fear have a nasty impact on us, with primal patterns of fight and flight coming to the fore. In such moments longer term impacts are outside our consideration. Do we write off a person or a relationship because in and following such a moment the other person failed to be authentic?

Additionally, our own lack of compassion is a fear-based reaction that compounds the cycle of hurt. “They did that so I am right to do this.” Or “They have not taken responsibility for that so there is nothing for me to do.” Of course, the other person then says, “Well they did this so I am justified to do that.” The cycle has to be interrupted for a positive outcome to be possible.

Authentic Relationship occurs when each person remains in relationship through such disintegrations. Each recognises their own negative warm up in the situation, where they are reacting from a place of pain and fear. They remain willing to and do actively work with their partner to change their joint warm up, and interrupt the cycle of pain, enabling an adequate outcome to be achieved.